Why does my toddler get angry when he doesn't get his way?

Some advice from developmental psychologist on how to handle a child when he doesn't get his way which may lead to a 'hitting' problem
1. Try not to take it personally. Your toddler is undergoing some amazing changes right now and needs to be able to express his emotions. In the beginning, he wasn't aware of himself as a separate entity, a person with preferences and dislikes. Starting early in his second year, though, as his language skills and intellect developed, he began to discover his individuality, realizing that he was a "me" and an "I." That "me" wants his way, but hasn't yet learned self-control.

Imagine someone thwarting you when you tried to get something you really wanted — a raise at work or a much-needed vacation. You'd probably get mad, just like your toddler does. But as an adult, you're able — at least ideally — to put your disappointment into perspective. Your child can't. Right now, every goal is important to him, and he doesn't understand that he may get what he wants later — but not right now, when he wants it. The promise of a future payoff ("We can't get you a treat now, but after we finish grocery shopping we can go to the toy store") doesn't soothe an impatient toddler since he has only a vague concept of time and exists primarily in the present.

Your child's reactions are a sign that his emotions are maturing as they should be. The intensity and frequency of his anger may also be a function of his temperament. Has he always been quick to take offense, fussy for long periods of time, or difficult to console? Some children are more easily upset and more difficult to calm down. Consequently, they may at times seem truly inconsolable.

2. One thing you can do as a parent is to pick your battles and let her have his way when it makes sense, so that he gets what he wants some of the time. For example, if he demands to bring his stuffed bear and wear mismatched clothes to school, and there's a rule at school saying toys aren't allowed, you can let him choose what he wants to wear and say no to the bear. At least he can feel empowered because he got to make him own decision about what to wear that day.

3. Try distracting him so he doesn't dwell on his feelings and becomes occupied with another task instead. If he is upset that you won't let him eat chocolate for breakfast, for example, make him laugh by taking a swig of milk and showing off your milk mustache. You'll be surprised at how easily distracted toddlers are.

4. Finally, talk to your toddler about what he feels, and why he can't have what he wants. Explain the reasoning behind your refusal. For example, instead of simply saying "no" to her request for a second helping of pie, tell her, "We don't eat two desserts because that might give us a tummy ache."

What's most important is that you are able to set limits for your child without ruling with an iron fist. When your child is conscious of having reasonable boundaries (and knows that manipulation won't help his get away with anything) but also feels free to express his desires, he'll be able to learn one of life's basic lessons: You don't always get what you want.